In the Philippines, there is generally a close bond between members of the family. Adults expect their parents to go before them in death, but the loss is still jolting. It is an event that initiates a period of substantial change and redirection of how people view themselves, their relationships, and their place in the world.
The loss has a significant impact no matter what the relationship is between a parent and the child. When a healthy bond ends due to the death of a parent, the child loses a support system. In a complicated dynamic, the grieving child may struggle to accept that a positive relationship with the parent will never come.
Filipinos who have lost a parent during adulthood often have to support the surviving parent, their siblings, or their children grieving their grandparents.
Individuals need to take time for their grief, even when others need their support. Mourning is a complicated process involving confrontation with and restructuring thoughts about your grief, the loss experience, and the changed world within which you must now live. Mourning your loss requires the following tasks to begin healing:
Accepting the reality of the loss
The first step in mourning is to face the reality that the person is gone and will not return. Part of accepting this reality is believing that reunion is impossible, at least in this life.
Denial is also common after the loss of a parent. Some people refuse to accept that death has occurred and become stuck in the grieving process at this stage. Denial can occur in various forms, but it generally affects the emotional weight of the death or the irreversibility of the loss.
Processing the pain of grief
People tend to think of the pain of grief in terms of sadness and distress. And indeed, much of the pain of bereavement is of this sort. There are, however, other effects associated with loss that need to be processed. For example, anxiety, anger, guilt, depression, and loneliness are common feelings you may experience after losing a parent.
You may also be surprised by how physically drained and exhausted you are. It is important to acknowledge and work through the emotional pain before it can manifest itself through physical symptoms or some form of aberrant behavior.
The newly bereaved are usually unprepared to deal with the variety of emotions accompanying a loss. Children and teens may also process grief differently, since they do not understand death in the same way as adults. Bereaved children need to grieve in a healthy and meaningful way. Although not everyone feels grief in the same manner or to the same degree, it is generally difficult to lose someone you were strongly attached to without feeling pain.
It is normal to grieve for someone who has had such a significant impact on your life, but it is also essential to seek medical advice about any symptoms you experience. Likewise, do not hesitate to ask for help if you're feeling overwhelmed. There is no need to suffer the burden of your sadness alone.
Adjusting to a world without them
There are adjustments to be made after losing a loved one. Learning how to realign yourself without their presence can affect your everyday functioning, sense of self, and beliefs, values, and assumptions about the world.
Adjusting to a new environment without the deceased is different from person to person, depending on their relationship and the roles they fulfilled in one's life. Most Filipino parents perform crucial roles within the family. Losing them provokes the need for other family members to progress, mature, and be potent. For example, bereaved sons are often expected to take their father's place to become "the man of the house."
Not only do you have to possibly take on the roles previously played by your parent, but their death can also challenge your self-perception. This can lead to regression, where some begin to perceive themselves as helpless, inadequate, or personally bankrupt. At this point, there is a need to relearn the world after the loss, focusing on introspection. You may ask questions like "Who am I now?" and "How am I different from loving him/her?".
Over time, negative perceptions usually give way to more positive ones. Then, the bereaved can carry on with their lives and learn new ways of dealing with the world.
Remembering your parent while embarking on the rest of your journey
As the saying goes, it's not over until it's over. As long as life and memory persist, your parent remains part of the family. As for when the grief ends, there is no easy answer. Sooner or later, that loss needs to be accepted. However, grief work is never over, in the sense that there will be moments in years to come when the sadness resurfaces.
The difference is that the pain is not the same intense pain experienced when the loss initially happened. How we arrive at the point of reconciliation is a process termed "letting go." For many people, this task is the most difficult one to accomplish. They get stuck at this point in grief and later realize that life stopped for them when the loss occurred.
Losing a parent is never easy, and grieving is a fluid process that is not always easy to deal with. However, remembering the lessons you learned from them and the happy memories you created together can help you find peace. This can also enable you to help others who might experience this loss in the future.
Parents may pass on, but the memories and years of living with them will never be lost. Instead, these memories can serve as a source of strength for future life events, including relationships with other people we love and care about.
