What it’s like to lose a partner
The death of a partner or a spouse is one of the most significant losses in a person's lifetime. It entails the loss of a life companion who is often considered as a best friend, lover, and partner. As a result, daily routines and behavior is severely affected following the death.
Recognizing the loss
It often takes a considerable period for people to figure out how to live without their spouses. After all, couples have grown accustomed to living alongside the company of their partner. The urge to move on usually comes around three to four months after the death of a spouse. It involves coming to terms with living alone, raising children alone, facing an empty house, and managing finances independently.
The grieving individual may be aware of the finality of the loss long before the emotions fully sink in. They may become stoic, not showing any physical or emotional reactions during the immediate aftermath of the partner's death.
Reacting to the pain
When surviving spouses share their feelings following the death of a husband or wife, they usually speak of the highly crippling consequences of loneliness, uncertainty, and confusion. The sense of what has changed often seems odd and distant. You are not sure how to grieve and cope with the immediate changes at the same time. Shortly after your spouse's death, you will likely experience a depressed mood, excessive crying, and insomnia.
Survivors react to the loss of a spouse in varying ways. Losing a spouse or a partner creates grief with many layers, each influenced by unique attributes. These include your age, gender, relationship with the deceased, and the duration of the marriage. The cause of their death may also affect your thought process.
Bear in mind that healing cannot take place if you do not freely express your emotions. Both positive and negative responses need to be shared. You will benefit from talking about loneliness and grief. You can discuss it with your friends and family, sharing your memories with your partner. Let yourself cry if needed, and write down your thoughts in a journal.
The following activities may also help you express and facilitate grief:
- Looking at Photos. Photos are a beautiful and treasured reminder of loved ones who are gone. Old photos may encourage you to talk about earlier losses and cherished memories that can help express feelings of happiness, sadness, anger, and pain.
- Writing a History. Some people can better understand the reality of their loss after they go through it chronologically. Writing a memoir or a "life history" of the relationship you had with your spouse or even other significant losses can help express feelings you cannot verbalize.
- Making a letter. Letters are usually a way to correspond with other people. but they can also be used to send letters to oneself. You may address it to your future self, talking about your current feelings and state of mind.
Healing can occur when a person completely makes sense of their emotions. Still, grief can rise unexpectedly, so it is essential to have a support system that understands your loss. Healing indeed takes time. However, the oft-repeated phrase "time heals" holds only a partial truth. Healing results from what the grieving person does with time.
Acknowledging the changes
Many couples usually divide the tasks of daily living. Because of this, surviving spouses must take on new responsibilities while coping with the loss of their significant other. It is normal for grieving spouses to feel pain as they adjust to their new circumstances. Both the husband and wife look to each other for decision-making and collaboration. How should money be used? Where should the family live? Should they have children? If so, how should they be raised? The loss of a spouse leaves the survivor to plan alone.
The surviving partner may feel uncertain in managing the tasks and duties their partner used to do. The surviving partner may be faced with single-parenthood and supporting their children emotionally on their own. When it occurs during midlife, a loss brings even more household changes. These include addressing the needs of young children and teenagers. Financial setbacks, social interaction, and a greater risk of illness may also happen.
The death of a partner may also bring significant changes to one’s identity. The surviving spouse may experience a new kind of loneliness due to the loss of social functions intended for couples. Weekends or nights once spent with other couples are now spent alone. Surviving spouses often feel different without their spouse and usually remove themselves from former friends. Additionally, the bereaved often finds it emotionally easier to interact with new people or friends who did not know the deceased spouse.
Loss of romantic intimacy
The death of one's spouse also means the loss of a sexual partner. As a result, you may feel uneasy and miss the closeness, intimacy, and sensuality that was part of the relationship. You may think that you will never meet anyone as special again. However, you may also feel the need for companionship. Both responses are common for grieving people. These are responses to grief that may not be easily discussed with family and friends. Counseling and grief support for widows and widowers may help with issues around sexuality or intimacy.
Reentering the social world and starting over
Developing a new way of being with other people is an important step in healing. Grieving means creating a new narrative in life—and this takes time. A widowed individual’s readiness to enter new relationships depends not on “giving up” on their late spouse, but on finding a fitting place for them in their memories. At the same time, it helps to leave room for other people.
Bereaved individuals with more social support may have favorable conditions to cope with the changes. Help from friends and family offers protection against loneliness. Intimate relationships with close and long-term contacts are essential and provide a sense of stability in the coming years.
Local Grief Support for Widows and Widowers
Founded by Paul Roque after his wife’s passing, this group based in the Philippines offers emotional support to widows and widowers It is a safe space for members to express their feelings, help others process their grief, and extend their care to other bereaved individuals.
M.A.S.I.P.A.G. is a support group led by members of Feast Makati to share challenges of marital separation and single parenting. The group holds weekly talks and discussions to share insights, lessons, and prayers with each other. The majority of the members are single mothers in their early 20s to their mid-60s.
For more information, you may contact Regina Garganera at (+63) 917 824 8281 or Jay San Luis at (+63) 917 527 6908. The group may also be reached through email at masipag@makatifeast.com.
Sources
Carr, D., & Jeffreys, J. (n.d.). Spousal Bereavement in Later Life. http://sites.bu.edu/deborahcarr/files/2018/01/carrjeffreys_2011.pdf
Larese, C. L. (2008). Supportive Care in the Role Transition to Widowhood. Journal of Hospice & Palliative Nursing, 10(3), 164–169. https://doi.org/10.1097/01.njh.0000306741.18259.21
Santos, A. P. (2012, February 17). Gone Solo: 5 Support Groups and Resources for Solo Parents. SmartParenting.com.ph. https://www.smartparenting.com.ph/parenting/real-parenting/gone-solo-5-support-groups-and-resources-for-solo-parents
